What's Been Happening Lately

Years ago, I went through a difficult time in my life and I turned to writing to help me focus and move forward. The end result was my genealogy blog, AnceStories: The Stories of My Ancestors. I'm proud to say that it has won many awards in both the genealogy and in the blogging world. Lately, life has been throwing me curve balls again and I thought it would be good to do some journaling here on my personal blog for a while to help me through it.

So what are the curve balls? While I can't give all the details, some of the most difficult things lately have included the fact that Norm has been unemployed since the end of May 2009. His unemployment benefits ended a year later, so we've been living solely on my income--essentially a part-time one--for the past six months. We switched from his employer's insurance provider to mine, and although we are grateful it's the same HMO and that we are all still insured, it does cost quite a bit more through my employer. I have had a couple of health issues this year, and we are trying to get Matt's chronic sinusitis taken care of, because it has affected his school attendance so badly. Both of our cars have some major repairs due and we have been limping them along with the hope that they will make it until February, when we should get a fairly decent income tax return.

Needless to say, I've been under a tremendous amount of stress. Today I took a "mental health" day off from work, and my boss--who is also a good friend--offered me the use of her house which is located right on Medical Lake. It was very quiet and serene there, with only the occasional meow of her cat and the honk of the Canada Geese swimming just beyond her backyard. I brought a small bottle of wine, some tea, and my lunch. I spent time crying, napping, taking a hot bath, and doing a lot of thinking. Some ideas came to me while I slept, others while I was pacing the floor, thinking. And again, while I can't share every detail here, I was able to come up with some epiphanies and priorities:

• There are choices I've made recently because I just gave up on life. In some areas of my life, I felt worthless and felt that there was no future ahead. Today, I chose to believe that there will be some good things waiting for me at the end of this dark tunnel, and that until I reach that place, I choose to be the kind of person that will be worthy of those good things.
• One of the things I had given up on was really doing my best as a parent. The past three years have been a real struggle as both kids have had poor attendance and poor grades, with Missy barely graduating a year and a half ago...despite the fact that both my children are bright, intelligent people. The daily challenges took a lot out of me, and I didn't want to deal with things anymore. When they were younger and winning awards for their school work, sports, and activities, I never would have guessed we would end up on this path. I felt like a failure as a parent.
• I decided I really want to be there for my son in the next 20 months before he graduates high school. And instead of fighting him when he makes choices I disagree with or that may be harmful to him, I will try to come alongside him and support him with love and understanding, while standing firm on my parenting principles.
• Now that my daughter is on her own, I am so proud of many of the choices she has made the past year and a half. She has become a lovely, responsible young woman who is really blossoming. I want to encourage her to continue to grow as an adult, as a woman, and to see her develop in a career that will be fulfilling for her.
• My health remains a priority, and I will continue to exercise frequently and eat right. The exercise (spinning on a stationary bike) helps to relieve a lot of stress as well as improves my knee. I'm starting to feel better about my body now that I am finally losing weight again, after being stuck in a rut for over a year. Matt's health is also a priority, and hopefully with a visit to his sinus specialist in December, we can make a decision that will improve it.
• Getting my finances in order is another huge must. I know how much money I have, but I am way behind on entering my receipts into my computer, due to a computer crash that happened a year and a half ago.
• Enlisting the help of professionals for some of the steps I may need to make in the future is another item on my list. These may include a counselor, an attorney, and of course, my doctors.
• I plan on going on a retreat every three or four months, just in a quiet place, like a friends' house, or if I can afford it, a cheap hotel room for the weekend to evaluate and assess where these goals are going, to keep me on track, and to just give me a respite. I realized I really don't take time for myself; I tell myself that researching my family tree is my time for myself, but really, I end up blogging about press releases that are sent to me or writing posts that are not quality writing. This makes me feel frustrated and feel like genealogy is a chore, not a fun escape.

I don't at all expect life to get any easier any time soon. But I know that if I can just keep putting one foot in front of the other while keeping my eyes on my goals, that it will help me get through to the other side with my health, my heart, and my dignity intact.

A New School Year

I haven't posted any news in over two weeks...I've just been so darn busy! Labor Day weekend was filled with back-to-school shopping. We also had some distant relatives visit that Monday, which was very enjoyable.

Matt really is enjoying all his classes as an 8th-grader at his middle school. He has a 10th-grade honors math class at the neighboring high school three days a week (because they have an A-B schedule). The other two days he has a study hall period back at the middle school. He also has Health and Fitness (P.E.), Life Skills (required class - home ec., sex. ed., etc.), Honors English and History, and Science.

Missy is a junior this year, and continues with Stage Crew during zero hour for the second year in a row. The school decreased the amount of drama classes available, so she is taking Leadership instead, with the same teacher who taught her past drama classes and current Stage Crew class. She also has a second year of German, Honors English, AP American Studies, Human Biology, and Pre-calculus. The homework load is heavy this year...typical for a junior year. She started working at Cinnabon tonight and will be working three or four days a week, mostly evenings the latter half of the week and on the weekends.

In my classroom, we have only 13 students, none in wheelchairs for the first time ever. Five--or about 38%--of our students have some sort of autism spectrum disorder; three of them quite defined. One of our teachers is out on maternity leave, having given birth just a few days before the school year started. Her long-term sub is a mom of three, expecting a fourth. Two years ago, one of the assistants was pregnant. So we've had a pregnant staff member in our classroom three years running. I'm not drinking the water (or talking to the water boy)! I was able to slip right into the swing of things right away. First period is a combination of Technology and Social Skills (keyboarding several days a week in the library, social skills the rest of the week). Second and third periods are math and reading, respectively. Each of us staff is leading a different part of math; mine is measurement. Fourth is vocational training. We gather the recycling products around the building (paper, aluminum cans) and take care of the rags used to erase the white boards (gather dirty ones and do the laundry; fold the clean ones and replace the dirty ones with them). We also shred confidential papers (those particular students either can't read or can't comprehend what little they can). After lunch, I assist two of our higher-functioning students in a Humanities (Language Arts - Social Studies) two-period block.

Tomorrow our class will go to the Spokane Interstate Fair, something I look forward to every year. We don't do rides; just look at exhibits and animals, and enjoy our lunch. We usually see old friends (students and staff) from other special ed classrooms in the district.

Matt has some sort of injury or inflammation in his right foot. It started Labor Day weekend, and he ended up missing school last Thursday because he couldn't walk on it. I took him to the doctor and he couldn't find anything wrong with it. It still wasn't better on Monday, so I took him in again. His "knuckle" on his big toe was pretty swollen. They took X-rays of both feet for comparison; no fractures. They also ran blood tests to check for arthritis and synovitis (inflammation of the membrane that lines a joint). The results came back negative. He was given crutches to use if necessary, and it seems to be slowly healing.

His bowling league started up last Saturday, and he enjoyed hanging out with his old gang from elementary school all day.

Norm's been putting in his second week of overtime in a row. He also worked a full day Saturday. So not much has been getting done on the house, and I keep telling him not to worry about it; he needs his rest. He anxious to get things done before the cold sets in. He's just about got all the flooring done, so we can use the front door again. I got a new camera, but I haven't taken any pictures yet...I'll try to do so this weekend and get them posted here.

Both units in the duplex next door are filled: a couple on the south side and a mother with children on the north. Everyone seems quiet, so far, and friendly, so we are grateful!

Please keep my mom and dad in your thoughts and prayers. My mom's health has not been so great lately, and I know it is tough for my dad.

My sister just finished her classes and received her LPN certificate! I'm so proud of her! She just needs to take her state exam to be an official nurse. She'll continue on in school towards her R.N. degree.

That's all I can think of. We've been busy!

Cabin Fever

I think I've figured out why on earth I've been so uptight this summer: I've got cabin fever. Yes, you know that confined, claustrophobic feeling you get at the end of a long winter, when you've spent too many hours indoors with your family in what seems to be a never-shrinking house? Well, I've got it...in the summer.

It's been too hot this summer to go much of anyplace that's not air-conditioned. Prohibitive gas prices don't allow for the traditional Sunday drives we used to take into nearby rural communities. We've had major expenditures this summer: an online math course, driver's ed., Norm's company rearranging the pay schedule resulting in a week's "lost" pay, rebuilding the porch and painting the house, and putting aside savings for vacation.

The kids aren't little anymore. You can't entertain them with free movies at the Garland Theatre, free-swim time at the city parks, or story hour at the library. They're too cool for the Boys and Girls Club, too young (Matt) or too busy (Missy) for jobs, and the budget's too tight to set them loose in the mall. We all want to use the computer to "escape"; trouble is, we're down to one computer, and that one is being used several hours a day for math. The digital camera gave up the ghost. If one more thing breaks or dies, I'm going to scream! The kids are on each other's nerves, on my nerves, on Norm's nerves, and I'm on theirs and his, I'm sure!

Summertime cabin fever: now that I understand it, I can deal with it. It's the not understanding why I'm so cranky and crabby all the time that makes it worse.

And some "good" news: Norm got someone to test the wireless card from our laptop. The card is bad. It's good news, because I've been tearing my hair out wondering if we simply had the network set up wrong on the laptop after it had been re-configured. See, the wireless card works enough to get a good signal for 10 or 15 minutes, then the connection gets very sporadic. Now that we know it's bad, we can easily--and fairly inexpensively--replace it.

Sometimes you gotta look--and be grateful--for the silver linings in all the storm clouds above. I have to remind myself of that a lot these days. :-)